So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
