You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I did not marry a roomba.
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