I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
