dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
