I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.