So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
