just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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