I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize