Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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