TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
