i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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