i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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