Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
