Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
