My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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