if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
