i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
