I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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