i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
