I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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