just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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