I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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