Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
