one might say we're banned from that church
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We had sex on a dog bed..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
