20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
