I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
