im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You made out with two different species that night
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
