Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
