Me too!
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
