I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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