also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
