I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
