How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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