There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
