I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
