I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking