I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner