my phone needs a breathalizer
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house