a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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