new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
