I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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