Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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