i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
