I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
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I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize