You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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