just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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