I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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