Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
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