I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
