Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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