I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
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We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You ate ashes out of my bong
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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