i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
