you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
ugly people sure do ruin things
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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