Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
