Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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