Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
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A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize